Okay, I really just needed to get that off my chest, hah. This post is just going to be ranting. I know, I know.. Nothing new. So lately, when I talk to people or see them I will think of things I wish I could say to them so maybe, just maybe, their eyes would be open to the lies they are feeding themselves. I wish I could put them in front of a mirror and show them what they are becoming but instead, I am sitting back and observing it all occur. I could be saving lives.. but I am not. Im just watching. I have watched so many people in my youth group and in my school change for the worse and it is breaking my heart. So why am I afraid to speak up?! I don't understand. Like I will even begin to talk to a friend about my observations and what I feel they are doing to their life and the subject goes from that to "where'd you get your shirt." ARE YOU KIDDING ME. For those of you who know me, this is so out of character. Usually when I become concerned about someone and their behaviors, I tell them because I care and I want them to be aware. I know for a fact that sometimes you come to better realization when someone else tells you something.. then you are like "whoa.. they are right." So thats what I try to do for others, in the most gentle and loving way possible but lately its just not happening. I also dont know what I am going to do when school gets back in because honestly, I only talk to amanda and the kids I eat lunch with. I dont really have friends or anyone to talk to in my classes. It makes school so much harder for me. I mean, I am constantly talking to people and loving them but it is actually making me more lonely. I just cant wait to get out of there. Okay and now I dont know what to do because my heart is seriously being tugged at to do something HUGE Obviously, I am just praying and seeking God, waiting to see where he wants me to go but now I feel like I need to do something. Like, i feel like there is something big in store for me and I feel like it is going to occur soon. I feel like my heart is one the edge of taking a huge leap of faith.So much goes on in my mind at once. Its like I cant drowned it all out except for when I write, take pictures, and listen/make music. My heart is seriously being steered in so many directions and there is so much I want to do. It all started with making encouragement notes. I feel called to just be an open map for God. Its like there is no substitute for action right now. My heart is breaking for the things that break Gods heart. I feel like Mission work brings me so much joy because of the joy God recieves through missions. I am so scared to go. I am so scared about the risks I am going to have to take. This trip may be dangerous and even though I trust that God will provide, I still worry about money and I will stand on my own two feet. There is so much that I will lose with this decision but I feel that through serving God and bringing glory to his name, the reward will be greater then anything imaginable. I was talking to a dear friend of mine and we were talking about how we are facing similar emotions and she said, "You can give without loving, but you can't love without giving." Now her perspective of the phrase was different then mine but either way, it opened my eyes. I can not love God without sacraficing some. Also lately, I have just been so facinated with the idea of marriage and my husband. I am so excited to meet someone with my same passions and interests. Someone who God made for me. I am even facinated with finding a boyfriend? yeah.. I have not dated in a long time and idk. Its hard to say that I dont want to date someone because thats not true but on the same note I always get asked out and say no. I cant exactly explain it. Im ready though. I have consistantly kept my eyes fixed on God and he is telling me that its okay now. Its okay for me to date. I think before, I was just so caught up in pursuing a love other than Gods. Everyone longs to feel love but Gods love is the only one that is eternal. I am trusting in him and I plan to date someone that I can grow from and help to grow. I want someone who will just be silly and have fun with me.. Im not looking for the arguments and difficult stuff (even though each relationship has that stuff). I am just waiting to meet him and cautiously make my decision.. I dont know. I will just leave it at that. Honestly, I will probably blog more later.
