and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.
Psalm 31:24- Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord!
Philippians 4:13- I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Proverbs 10:12- Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.
So I am usually a very independent person (i get it from my mom.) So usually when people walk out of my life or change, its just an old chip off the shoulder, but that is not the case this time. It feels like every song reminds me of you and it really just sucks. And im not dependent on you, I just miss you and how things were.
I felt myself bringing back traits that I claimed as mine in the past. For example, instead of turning to God during all of this, I turned to my emotions. BIG NO-NO. haha that resulted in absolutely nothing except arguments and a very unstable stephanie. Now this post is not to tell you about my relationship status and the problems we are facing, No. Its simply to share how God took a miserable situation and taught me stuff from it! So here I am walking around all upset and not having a care about what the world has to say about me. WHOA! That is out of character! Usually I want people to be happy while in my presence. I like them to look at me and think of me as a genuine friend. Reality is that wasnt the case anymore. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sulk in my sadness. But then it came to the point where every form of worship to me felt pointless. Whether it was music, writing, devotionals, of even photography, I felt ashamed and uninspired. I felt like I had hit rock bottom even though I knew I hadnt. This morning, my mom and I were driving home from phyllis and margies house and the fog was seriously intense! There was a stop sign about five feet from us and we could not even see it. The fog completely blinded us. I kind of reflected my past two weeks on that. You see, through this whole thing, God was sitting there saying "Im right here. Im right here. My arms are open. you dont have to be this way." but i could barely see him. I could barely feel him but i knew he was tugging at my heart. I knew I was going to pull through this and I knew I was going to be fine but for some reason I kept deciding to be upset. I cant exactly explain it but a very smart friend of mine told me that you can change your mood. It is up to you. At first I thought that was ridiculous but then I realized that she was actually very right! I had control over my mood and my behavior. I could sulk in pain or I could just turn to God and cast my burdens onto him and be relieved and forgiven AGAIN. So before when God was sitting there saying "Im right here. Im right here. My arms are open. you dont have to be this way," It didnt hit me but then as I spent hours in prayer, it hit me and I thought of a line from a song that we are doing a drama to. It says: Hey unfaithful, hey ungraceful, hey unloving, I will love you. JESUS, IM READY TO COME HOME.
Whoa! haha. And that was it I just cried out to God and I felt ashamed for even being so dependent on someone else other then God. Thats when that cloud of fog just went away. Sure, I am still missing my amazing friend but I am going to be okay. You learn from every experience. So now I basically want to just dance and praise God for the amazing things he does on a daily basis. It blows me away. I saw the old me when I looked in the mirror this week. The old insecure, ugly, inconfident, worthless feeling girl and it was a huge wake up call. So I kind of went on a rampage and touched some different things but I really just had to let all of this out. I feel refreshed and like I have started over. My biggest focus now is just reaching out to people and loving them. I have been doing this in a lot of ways this year but I would like to step out of my comfort zone even more! It is going to be beautiful :) well I suppose I will end this with some post secrets :) Have a beautiful Sunday!
The end♥
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